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From Conflict to Connection: Why Identity and Legitimacy Matter

Aug 04, 2025

 

Today, the battle for your child's identity is intense. The world is telling them who they should be through TV, social media, friends, and everywhere in between. It can be overwhelming to try to sort through the noise and make sure your child's identity is rooted in Christ.

Identity is the distinctive qualities or traits that make an individual unique. Identities are strongly associated with self-concept, self-image, self-esteem, and individuality. The world is bombarding our children with the negatives of all of these. And as Christian parents, we carry a deep desire to raise children who know their identity in Christ.

But if we’re honest, the daily realities of parenting—tantrums, sibling rivalry, or the teen years—can leave us wondering:

“Am I actually helping my child discover who God created them to be?”

The truth is, identity and legitimacy are foundational for raising Kingdom-minded kids. When your child understands who they are in Christ, they become confident, resilient, and purpose-driven. This identity shaping will transform how you and your children interact, the atmosphere of your home, and your relationships.

Most behavioral problems come from a lack of legitimacy. Your child doesn't feel important, loved, or accepted; so therefore they act out. 

But I love my child! I hear you say.

I know you do; but that doesn't mean that they feel loved, or that they have a core identity that accepts that love. 

Growing up, I knew my mom loved me. She did everything she could to provide for me, protect me, and raise me to the best of her ability. She took me to church, I was invested in the youth group, and I was a good girl. But the words that I used to cut her the deepest when we would have were: You don't love me! You are ruining my life! 

Why? Was she really? No! But I was missing an identity in Christ. Knowing that I was loved, accepted, and chosen just as I was, a child of God. 

As a parent to three children, I have been intentional over the last 15 years to build their identity in Christ. I want them to know that I love them, yes. But more than that, that they are loved by God; just as they are. Now, with teenagers in the home, we rarely have arguments, we foster love and reconciliation, and my teenagers would prefer to spend time as a family, than with their friends. Does that seem impossible? Does that seem counter-intuitive to what the world says? Yes! Because it is. Because it's all about identity. 

Here’s the part many parents miss: helping your child discover their identity starts with understanding how God designed both you and your child uniquely.

You first, have to understand your own identity, before you can build your kids. 

This is where the Redemptive Gifts from Romans 12 becomes life-changing.

What Are Redemptive Gifts? Check out my Previous Blog Post HERE

Understanding these gifts is like getting a spiritual blueprint for your life and your child’s. It brings clarity to questions like:

  • Why does my child respond so emotionally to situations?

  • Why do I feel frustrated when my child sees the world so differently than I do?

  • How can I parent from a place of grace instead of frustration?

And this brings Legitimacy. 

Legitimacy is the quality or state of being legitimate: being exactly as intended. 

Because of the brokenness of our world, we have all been led to believe that we are not legitimate. That we are orphans, victims, or lacking. 

But because of the work that Jesus did on the cross; we are now joint heirs with Him. 

"And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together." Romans 8:17

Legitimacy comes from knowing our identity. That we are designed just as God wants us to be, that He made us and fashioned us to do good works from long ago:

"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which god prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

But, one of the most common struggles Christian parents face is knowing how to call out the God-given design in their children without trying to “fix” them.

Here’s what I’ve discovered in years of working with families and raising Kingdom kids:

When children feel truly seen in their God-given design, they experience legitimacy.

Legitimacy is that deep, heart-level affirmation that says:
"Who you are is not a mistake. You are needed in God’s Kingdom exactly as He created you."

When we parent from a place of understanding our own Redemptive Gift and our child’s, we speak life into their strengths instead of only correcting weaknesses, guide them toward their Kingdom purpose instead of comparison, and foster deeper connection and trust in the home

The First Step: Discovering Your Redemptive Gift

To help parents like you start this journey, I recently launched the very first episode of my podcast: Redemptive Gifts (Romans 12) Introduction.

In this episode, my husband Jon (an ordained pastor) shares:

  • What the Redemptive Gifts are and why they matter

  • The framework for the Romans 12 Redemptive Gifts in scripture that leads to understanding the characteristics, strengths, and weaknesses of each gift.  

 

Going Deeper: The Redemptive Gifts Course

If this concept resonates with you, the Redemptive Gifts Course is the next step. It’s designed to:

  • Help you identify your own gift and how it shapes your parenting

  • Guide you in affirming your child’s identity and creating legitimacy

  • Equip you to shift from reacting to parenting challenges to Kingdom-focused nurturing

Parents who’ve gone through this journey often say it transforms the atmosphere in their home—from frustration to understanding, and from striving to thriving.

Final Thoughts

Christian parenting isn’t about producing perfect kids—it’s about partnering with God to help them walk in their unique design. When you unlock the power of identity and legitimacy through the Redemptive Gifts, parenting becomes less about conflict and more about calling out the greatness God placed in your children.

If you’re ready to step into this journey:

  1. Listen to the first podcast episode: Redemptive Gifts (Romans 12) Introduction

  2. Explore the FREE Redemptive Gifts Quiz and start unveiling the identity in your family

  3. If you aren't sure what to do about your child's identity today. You can check out the Raising Kingdom Kids Identity Course HERE that will give you three practical steps for building your children's identity you can start using TODAY!
  4. Enroll in the Redemptive Gifts Course to learn more. 

Your child’s Kingdom purpose is waiting to be discovered—and you have the keys to help them walk in it.

Check out the FREE mini-course on the steps to create your own worship night: 

Raising Worshippers

FREE mini-course

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God didn’t make you by accident. He designed you with purpose—and the redemptive gifts hold the blueprint.

If you’ve ever felt stuck in your identity, unsure how God wired you—or how to disciple your kids or family team in theirs—this course will give you the clarity you’ve been missing.
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