Parenting as Spiritual Formation: How God Uses Our Children to Change Generations

One of the things that has surprised me most about parenting is how much God uses my children to work on my own heart. When we become parents, we spend so much time thinking about how we're going to raise our children, what we want to teach them, and the kind of adults we hope they'll become. We want them to love Jesus, make good decisions, and grow into who God created them to be. But somewhere along the way, we begin to realize that God isn't just using us to shape our children. He's using our children to shape us, too. And sometimes, that part of parenting can be pretty uncomfortable.

I've been parenting for fifteen years now, and the longer I walk with the Lord, the more I realize how much my understanding of Him as a good Father changes the way I parent. The more I learn about His character, His love, and the way He corrects and leads us, the more I recognize the places where my own parenting doesn't always reflect His heart. I start noticing the things I learned growing up that I never really questioned before. The way I respond when I'm frustrated, the things I say when I feel challenged, and how I handle conflict when I don't get my way. Some of these patterns have been so familiar that I didn't even recognize them as patterns. They were just the way I did things. But God has been teaching me that just because something is familiar doesn't mean it's healthy, and just because I learned something from my parents doesn't mean I have to keep passing it down to my children.

One of the things I've had to work through is forgiving my parents for the ways they parented me while also recognizing the ways I've carried some of those same behaviors into my own parenting. It's much easier to recognize the things other people do that frustrate us than it is to see those same things in ourselves. But God is faithful to show us these things when we're willing to let Him. He doesn't reveal them to shame us. He reveals them because He wants to bring us into truth and give us an opportunity to grow.

Recently, I had an interaction with my mom that brought this home for me. She sent me a message blaming me for something I hadn't done. I had been holding her accountable for something she had said, and she became upset with me. As I worked through the situation with the Lord, I knew I needed to forgive her for the blame-shifting I was experiencing. But as I continued processing what happened, God showed me something else. I had done the very same thing. I had blamed Him when things didn't go the way I wanted them to. I had shifted responsibility instead of stopping to examine my own heart.

Ouch. That's not always an easy thing to see about yourself.

But it was an important moment because I could recognize that this was something I had learned. I had watched my parents handle conflict this way, and somewhere along the way, I had picked up the same response. I could understand where that pattern came from, but I also had to acknowledge that I was responsible for my own choices. My parents were responsible for theirs, and I was responsible for mine.

So I had a choice. I could continue doing what I had always done, or I could let God teach me a different way. I could forgive my mom, repent for the places where I had blamed God, and ask Him to help me take responsibility instead of shifting blame. And that is exactly what I want to teach my children. I want them to know they can admit when they're wrong without being afraid of losing my love. I want them to learn how to apologize, take responsibility, and recognize that making a mistake doesn't mean they are a failure. But I can't expect them to learn those things from me if I'm unwilling to practice them myself.

I think this is one of the most important parts of parenting that we don't always talk about. We want our children to be humble, but do they see us humble ourselves? We want them to forgive, but what are they learning from the way we handle offenses? We want them to take responsibility, but do we make excuses when we get it wrong? Our children are watching us in the everyday moments of life. They see how we respond when we're tired, how we treat people when we're frustrated, and what we do when we realize we've made a mistake.

That doesn't mean we have to get everything right before we can be good parents. Thank goodness, because none of us would make it very far if that were the requirement! It means we have to be willing to grow. Sometimes that means going back to our children and saying, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have responded that way." Sometimes it means admitting we were wrong, even though we're the parent. Our children need to see that being wrong doesn't make us unlovable, that taking responsibility is part of maturity, and that forgiveness is something we practice, not just something we talk about at church.

Because that is what I want my children to understand about God. I want them to know that He is a good Father they can come to when they mess up, struggle, or don't know what to do next. I don't want them to believe they have to hide their mistakes because they're afraid of rejection. I want them to understand that He loves them, that His truth matters, and that His correction is meant to lead them toward life and maturity.

The way we parent can help our children begin to understand that kind of love. If every mistake is met with shame, anger, or rejection, children can begin to believe that being wrong means something is wrong with who they are. If they learn to hide their mistakes because they're afraid of our reactions, they may struggle to understand that they can be honest with God, too. We cannot control every conclusion our children will draw, but we do have an opportunity to demonstrate what love, truth, accountability, and forgiveness look like in a real relationship.

This is why I believe heart connection is such an important part of parenting. Our children need boundaries, discipline, and parents who are willing to say no when something isn't good for them. But if all we're doing is correcting behavior, we can miss the heart behind it. We can become so focused on making the behavior stop that we forget we're raising a person who is still learning, growing, and figuring out how to navigate the world.

Sometimes our children need correction. Sometimes they need consequences. But they also need to know that we're for them, that we care about their hearts, and that our relationship with them isn't destroyed every time they make a mistake. There is a difference between correcting a child because we want to help them grow and reacting because we're frustrated that they aren't doing what we want. Heart-centered parenting helps us ask better questions. Instead of only asking, "How do I get them to stop doing this?" we can begin asking, "What do they need to learn here? How can I help them understand what is true? How can I hold this boundary while still connecting with their heart?"

Our goal isn't simply to get through childhood without too many problems. We're raising children who will eventually make decisions for themselves, navigate relationships, recognize truth, and follow Jesus when we're not standing right beside them. We want them to understand their identity in Christ, develop character, and discover how the gifts God has placed in them can be used to serve His purposes. That kind of growth takes more than a list of rules. It takes relationship, instruction, example, and time.

Deuteronomy 6 gives us a beautiful picture of faith being woven into the everyday life of a family. God instructed His people to teach His commands diligently to their children and talk about them throughout the ordinary rhythms of life—when sitting at home, walking along the road, lying down, and getting up. Discipleship wasn't meant to be something we handed off to someone else for an hour a week. It was part of the life parents and children shared together.

I love that because it reminds me that we don't have to turn every moment into a formal Bible lesson. Sometimes discipleship looks like praying together when someone is worried. Sometimes it means helping a child work through a disagreement with a sibling. Sometimes it means admitting we handled something poorly and asking for forgiveness. These ordinary moments are opportunities to show our children what following Jesus looks like in everyday life.

And while we're doing this work, God is still working on us. Our children may bring things to the surface that we thought we had already dealt with. A disagreement might reveal how much we struggle with being challenged. A difficult season might show us how easily we slip into fear or control. Those moments can be frustrating, but they can also become invitations to let God do something deeper in our hearts.

This is how generational patterns begin to change. Not because we suddenly become perfect parents, but because we start making different choices. We apologize when we would have once defended ourselves. We choose forgiveness instead of bitterness. We take responsibility instead of blaming everyone else. We begin to recognize the difference between what we inherited and what God is asking us to cultivate in our own homes.

Changing those patterns isn't always easy. Sometimes it means facing painful experiences from our childhoods or realizing that the way we've always handled conflict isn't working. Sometimes the people around us don't understand why we're choosing to do things differently. But we can love our parents without repeating every behavior they modeled. We can acknowledge what hurt us without living in bitterness, and we can allow God to heal those places so we can build something healthier for our children.

If you're reading this and recognizing some of these patterns in your own parenting, I want to encourage you not to get stuck in shame. Maybe you've reacted to your children in a way you regret. Maybe you keep finding yourself in the same arguments and don't know how to change the cycle. Take those things to the Lord. Ask Him to help you understand what's happening in your heart and show you a better way forward. You don't have to fix everything in one day. Sometimes the next step is simply recognizing a pattern, apologizing to your child, or choosing to respond differently the next time a familiar situation comes up.

If you're looking for a place to start, I've created a free ebook called God's Design for Families that explores God's purpose for the family and the role parents play in raising and discipling their children. You can download it, along with other resources, at ashleytilford.com.

I also have a Heart-Centered Parenting course for parents who want to build stronger connections with their children, move beyond simply managing behavior, and approach discipline in a way that helps develop identity and character. And if you're facing specific challenges in your home and would like individualized support, I currently have a few spots available for Heart-Centered Parenting coaching. We can look at what's happening in your family, identify the patterns that keep showing up, and work through practical ways to connect with your children's hearts while still providing the guidance and boundaries they need.

At the end of the day, our children don't need us to be perfect. They need us to be willing to let God work in us as we lead them. They need to see what it looks like to love, forgive, take responsibility, and keep growing. They need parents who can say, "I didn't handle that well, and I'm going to work on it." They need to know that correction doesn't mean rejection and that their mistakes don't change the fact that they are loved.

And we need that reminder, too. Parenting can bring so much to the surface, but it can also be one of the ways God draws us closer to Him. As we learn to see Him as the good Father He is, we can begin to reflect more of His heart in the way we love and lead our children. We can stop repeating the patterns that have hurt us and start building a different kind of legacy.

That is what I want for my family. I want my children to grow up knowing the Father, understanding who He created them to be, and learning how to walk in His truth. I want our home to be a place where we can work through hard things, ask for forgiveness, and know that love doesn't disappear when someone gets it wrong. I know we'll have plenty of imperfect days along the way, but I also know God is faithful to keep teaching us when we're willing to listen.

Our family rooms don't have to be places where we simply manage the chaos of everyday life. They can become places where faith grows, hearts heal, and children learn what it means to follow Jesus. And sometimes, that transformation begins with God doing a work in us first.

Listen to the full podcast at Family Room Mission Podcast